


please don't cry

by youreitaliciminbold



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety Disorder, Bottom Josh, Bulimia, Depression, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Non-Sexual Age Play, Panic Attacks, Sad Josh, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Top Tyler
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 14:29:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17448764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youreitaliciminbold/pseuds/youreitaliciminbold
Summary: Josh tries his hardest to overcome his mental illness, and that usually means he slips into little space.Good thing Tyler is there to take care of him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So.  
> Hi.  
> This is already on wattpad under the username youreitaliciminbold. Go check that out lmao. This is my first story on here, so, this should be fun. I'm the queen of having no update schedule, soz.  
> Hope you enjoy.  
> Also Debby is ace we love representation.
> 
> Xx

His breathing was the only sound in the room. He dug the razor into his wrist, not caring that Tyler was just one door away, not caring that this was the deepest he had ever gone. He kept repeating the action, a flood of ruby red dripping onto the floor in malicious drops. He didn't stop until he heard a few slow knocks on the door and a groggy Tyler. It immediately sent his mind into panic mode, making him drop the razor in shock and hastily rip toilet paper off of the roll to fruitlessly try to clean up the blood from his wrist. 

 "Baby, are you almost finished?"

 I dropped the razor and tried to hold back my sobs as i turned on the water and rinsed off my wrist, wincing violently at the aggressive sting that came with it.

 "Y-Yeah"

 He cursed himself at the way his voice cracked, making it obvious that he wasn't okay, and there was no way Tyler could miss it. 

"Can you please let me in? Are you okay?"

 He turned around cautiously, knowing his wrist hadn't stopped bleeding, and slowly turned the doorknob, opening the door slightly, before sliding against the wall. Blood was left in small drops on the wall and floor, the red painfully obvious against the white. Tyler walked in and crouched down in front of him, not  noticing the bloodiness of the bathroom in his rush to check on Josh. He ran his hands through Josh's hair, not yet noticing his wrist. 

 When Josh spoke next, his voice was broken.

 "I-Ty I-I'm so-sorry."

Tyler's eyes flashed down, and horror instantly showed on his face as he saw the cuts. They weren't deep, but there was a large quantity that more than made up for the lack of depth to the wounds.

 "Josh, baby, no. No, no, no, no, no. We need to patch this up. There's way too much blood."

 It was only then that he looked around the room, his heart getting stuck in his throat at the sight of Josh's blood on the tiles, and coating the porcelain sink. 

"I'll be right back darling, don't move."

 As Tyler stood up, Josh grasped desperately at his sleeve, small whimpers coming from his throat as tears slid slowly down his pale face.

 "Please don't leave me. I'm-I'm not-safe." 

Tyler's heart broke as he wrapped his arms around Josh, regretting his words due to the sheer stupidity of them. Of course Josh wouldn't be okay to be alone right then, that would make no sense. 

"Okay, okay baby boy, I've got you, it's gonna be okay." 

He carried him in his arms through the house, Josh's blood coating his sweater. He set him on the table, not noticing Josh tapping his arm three times, a signal they used for when Josh was slipping into little space. He continued digging through the drawer the first aid kit was in, not stopping even when Josh whimpered, assuming it was simply due the pain of his cuts. Tyler turned around, first aid kit in hand, to see Josh looking at his own wrist in horror, crying loudly. The little's eyes were wide, overflowing with an incredible number of tears and shining with sadness. 

"Dad-dy. It hurtssss."

 Josh whined, pouting, small whimpers coming from him as he cried. Tyler instantly slipped into caregiver mode, nothing but concern for his baby's well-being in his mind. 

"I know, kitten. Daddy's gonna fix it, yeah?" 

Josh nodded his head, tears still coating his wide eyes.

 "'Den after we can get my stuffy and paci and cuddle?"

The little whimpered in pain as Tyler put antiseptic on his wounds. 

 "Of course, baby boy. And if you're really good for daddy, we can have cocoa and ice cream, okay darling?" 

Josh nodded eagerly, tears trailing down his cheeks still. Tyler wrapped his wrist in bandages and picked him up, carrying him to the couch. Josh looked questioningly up to his caregiver when he began walking away, making grabby hands and obviously wanting him to stay with him. 

"Stay right there, kitten, and daddy will be right back."

 Josh nodded in response, sucking on his thumb, wiping absently at the tears still rolling down his cheeks. 

Tyler walked into the bathroom, nearly breaking out into sobs as he crouched down and started cleaning up his boyfriends blood. When he was finished, he walked back out, only to see Josh slowly unwrapping his bandage. 

"What are you doing?!"

 Tyler said the words far more harshly than intended. Tyler instantly regretted it when Josh flinched at his tone, and instantly stopped. It effectively made him quit messing with his bandage, which was good, of course, but Tyler knew Josh was very sensitive to loud voices. 

"I sowwy daddy, i jus' wanted to see what was under it. Pwease don't be mad daddy." 

As the little said this he looked up at Tyler through thick lashes that glistened with moisture.

 "I'm not mad, baby, but don't do that again. It's just gonna hurt more."

 Josh sniffled gently, burrowing his face into the sleeve of Tyler's sweater, leaving only his eyes uncovered. It would be an adorable sight at any other time, but after what had just happened Tyler couldn't help but still be distressed. 

"I sowwy." 

Tyler gently wiped his tears, ignoring his own inner turmoil for a moment in exchange for gazing at the smaller boy. 

"It's okay, Joshie, don't cry baby boy."

 Tyler smiled gently down at him, despite the whirlwind of emotions swirling inside him that screamed at him to break down right then and there. He fixed his wrappings, and picked up Josh, beginning to walk to their shared bedroom. 

"Let's go get your stuffie and paci, and you can even wear one of daddy's big sweaters, but only if you promise you'll be good." 

Josh nodded instantly, his cheeks flushing and eyes sparkling.

 "Yes, pwease. i"ll be good. I'll be the bestest boy everrrr."

 He giggled cutely after he was finishes speaking, seeming to forget completely about the incident prior. Tyler sat him down on their bed, before grabbing his favourite bunny stuffy and pale blue paci. 

"Here you go darling." 

Tyler was gentle with him, handing Josh the items. 

 The little instantly started to suck on the paci, and clung onto his bunny.

 "Thank you daddy." 

Ty forced a smile, ignoring his heart seeming to crumble in his chest every time he saw Josh's bandage wrapped wrists. 

"What sweater do you want, baby?"

 Josh screwed up his face in thought, taking out his paci and putting it on the bed.

 "I wike da wight pink one."

 When Josh spoke, he was gentle with his words, he always was. Tyler instantly grabbed the right one and put it over his little's head. Josh smiled happily and reached out for Ty. 

"Let's go get some food, then we can watch whatever movie you'd like, kay, baby?"

 Tyler kissed the boys forehead as he spoke. They eventually settled down on the couch with cocoa and ice cream, Josh in his lap, suck on his stuffy lightly.

 "'M tired."

 josh voice was undeniably sleepy when he spoke, slurring slightly. Tyler laid the little to bed, before climbing in with him. 

He fell asleep late that night, thinking about how his boyfriend's blood had stained the bathroom. It was an image he didn't think he'd be able to escape for a while, if ever. 


	2. Chapter 2

Tyler was woken up bright and early that morning to a little Josh bouncing up and down on the bed energetically. To the taller man it seemed far too early to be this energetic, but to the little apparently 8 am was the perfect time to get up, and of course wake up everyone else in the process. 

"I want pancakes and kissies so you gotta get up, daddy." 

Tyler smirked lightly, opening only one eye and looking at the little. Josh's face was being bathed in the golden light being filtered through the curtains covering the window by their bed, making him look absolutely angelic. 

"Nope. I think I wanna sleep." 

Josh pouted, whining slightly when he thought Tyler was being serious. 

"But...kisses and pancakes..." 

Josh's eyes started glistening, totally thinking Tyler didn't like him anymore, and Tyler instantly sat up and pulled the boy into his lap.

 "I'm sorry, kitten. Daddy was just playing."

 He kissed the boy on the nose before grabbing his chin and lifting his face to look at him. Josh's eyes were still slightly teary, but he now had a small smile on his face, making his eyes crinkle at the sides the tiniest bit. He looked completely adorable, the pastel blue footie pajamas he was wearing only complimenting his features more. 

"I fo'give you daddy. But onwy if you gimme big kid kissies." 

 He looked up through thick eyelashes with mocha eyes, a teasing undertone in his voice. Tyler immediately leaned in and captured Josh's soft lips with his chapped ones. Josh wrapped his legs around Tyler's waist and giggled breathlessly into his mouth. Tyler and Josh's tongue's mingled for a bit before they pulled away from each other, both breathless and blushing from the kiss. Josh looked shyly down, playing with his fingers before raising one of his hands up to wrap around Tyler's neck. 

Tyler pulled Josh closer, if that was possible, and whispered into his ear.

 "Am i forgiven, baby boy?" 

He cooed when Josh blushed even deeper than before, burying his face into Tyler's shirtless chest. "Y-yes, daddy."

Josh's reply was bashful, his freckles being fully presented in the bright morning light. Tyler pulled back and kissed Josh on the forehead quickly before smiling gently at the boy. 

"What about those pancakes now, yeh?"

 Josh's eyes sparkled with excitement at the prospect of food, a heavenly giggle escaping his lips. Morning's like these were perfect, what Tyler had wanted his entire life. It was only then, though, that he remembered the events of last night, and how he still had a bit of mess to clean up before Josh could even go into the bathroom.  

"Daddy needs to visit the bathroom first, can you get dressed while I'm gone?"

 Josh nodded and crawled off of him, bouncing on his heels excitedly. Tyler walked to the bathroom, preparing himself for the worst. He sucked in a quick breath, his heart rate increasing when he saw the white porcelain of the sink stained pink from the incident the night before. He urgently reached for a sponge and soap, turning on the water and scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing. Anything to get rid of the gut wrenching stains. He was interrupted by a knock on the door, and he stopped his scrubbing, wiping the tears off of his face.

 "Daddy'll be out in a minute, Joshie."

 His voice luckily didn't crack despite the inner turmoil he was experiencing. He was amazed that he hadn't already completely shattered due the the sheer weight he felt on his shoulders every time he took a breath in. He had really thought Josh was doing okay. He thought he was doing better, at least. They hadn't had such a major setback in months. 

 "I'm not...little anymore, Ty."

 A small part of Tyler was glad, he didn't think he could handle taking care of little Josh right at that moment. He slowly opened the door, hoping his tears weren't too obvious, and looked down to Josh, reaching a hand up to caress his face. He would do anything for this boy, he knew he would, he just wasn't sure how much more he could actually take before he himself shattered. 

 "Ty, you were crying." 

Josh looked behind him, scanning the situation, and his breath hitching when he saw the still bloody razor on the counter. Tyler didn't pick up on the subtle change until Josh whimpered lightly, his leg bouncing up and down anxiously at the sight. 

Tyler followed his gaze and stepped forward, closing the door behind him, clutching Josh's shaking form to his chest. 

"I'm so sorry, Ty. I really didn't mean to." 

Tyler sighed at the words. It was such a familiar phrase at that point that he was doubtful it even held any meaning anymore. He knew Josh was sincere when he said it, he always was, he just didn't know how much weight the words themselves held anymore.

 "I know, baby, I know."

 Josh backed away slightly, leaning up to kiss his other half. The kiss got gradually more intense, and Josh whimpered against Tyler's lips. It ended too soon, but the time just wasn't right for anything more to happen. 

They pulled away from each other, breathless for the second time that morning. Tyler couldn't stop thinking about the stains, about how deep those cuts were, how much blood there was. "Please don't cry, Tyty."

 Josh was obviously slipping back into his little space judging by the nickname, and Tyler was slightly relieved. He needed something to take his mind off of things, and taking care of little Josh might be just what he needed in that moment after something so stressful. 

"I'm okay Joshie." 

Tyler sniffed as he spoke, leaving little Josh to be slightly concerned, but too small to really be bothered to care all that much. 

"I'm okay." 

His sigh afterwards was heavy, but not nearly as heavy as his heart. It seemed like a weight at that point, dragging him down. But he knew he had to stay afloat the waves of his anxiety and depression, he had to if there was any chance he would be able to properly care for Josh. 

He had a responsibility, and god dammit if that boy didn't mean more to him than anything else on this planet. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW on this one for yelling and slight brief emotional abuse. Stay safe, guys.

After that incident, Tyler went on a downward spiral. He was having more and more trouble controlling his anger and outbursts, along with his depression, and this this day was particularly bad. He had just gotten home from a horrible day at work, of course having Brendon watch little Josh, so Ryan and him could play. They were good friends, and Tyler trusted him to watch Josh, so this wasn't a rare occurence for either of them. 

 

Brendon had left not five minutes earlier, which is information Tyler received in a text, because apparently Josh and Ryan had gotten into a fight that ended with both of them hysterical. This was somewhat of a final straw for Tyler, after the already stressful week, and his emotions being frayed, he really couldn't handle any additional stress. Tyler slammed the door, hard, not even caring that he knew it completely terrified Josh. He knew it scared him, he knew it sent him into panic attacks oftentimes, and he simply didn't have the emotional capacity to care. 

"D-d-daddy?" 

Josh sounded completely terrified when he called out, and usually that would have sent Tyler into caregiver mode, but he was at the end of the line of things he could deal with, so he felt basically nothing in response. 

"Yeah. Hi. I'm going to bed." 

Josh looked up at him, confused. He was too small to understand what was happening, only that Tyler normally didn't act like this. He was never mean to the little, and in return Josh hardly ever did something that would warrant him getting in trouble. It was a good system, and it worked, for both of them. But apparently not today. 

 "But...dindin?" 

The little was completely and utterly perplexed by his caregiver's behaviour, it being so out of character that he simply didn't know how to handle it. It was so extremely unlike Tyler to do anything like this, and he always took such good care of Josh, so he was left with no other option but to assume he did something wrong.

 "Have cereal or something. I don't fucking know."

 Tyler was extremely harsh, but regretted it as soon as he heard the small sobs coming from his little. This was the first time that day he truly regretted something mean he said, the thought of himself being the thing to bring his little to tears was nearly enough to make him snap out of his bad mood completely. 

 "I sowwy, dad-daddy. I'll g-go to sw-sweep. I sowwy." 

Josh ran into his and Tyler's room, and buried his head in a pillow. Tyler walked in slowly. Only to be greeted by a timid,

 "Do you h-hate me daddy?" 

Tyler had no idea why, but his patience with the little was nonexistent, and that one innocent sentence made him snap. It had been such a long fucking day, and he just wanted some peace and quiet, but did he get it? Of course not. He knew he would regret every word of this later, but he did it anyways. 

"God, do you ever stop being so fucking needy? I do everything for you, grow the fuck up! Go crawling to Brendon or something, but get out of my fucking apartment. You're such an over-dramatic little fucking brat! I honestly do everything I can to keep you happy but your selfish ass can never accept it, can you?! You're so scared of everything! You can never just do something for yourself! I'm sick of it! I just want to relax for once, for fucks sake!"

 Tyler screamed. He screamed and screamed and screamed, not noticing how Josh was completely petrified. Of him. Until he did. Josh's eyes were as wide as saucers as his nails dug into his arms, drawing blood. His back was completely against the wall, terrified of what Tyler would do next. He had been forcefully kicked out of his little space by the screaming, and was so fucking scared. He could hear his blood pounding in his ears, the constant thought of 'Not again, not again, not again. Not you, Tyler, not you.' was the only thing running through his mind.

 "I'll leave. I'll go. Please. Please just don't hurt me. I'll leave you alone. I'm so sorry. I will go, I will leave. This can't be happening again oh my god. Please don't hurt me." 

Josh was too scared to move, completely frozen by the frightening thought that the man he trusted and loved so much was going to hurt him, that he was going to turn out to be exactly like his last caregiver. He couldn't go through that again. He wouldn't be able to handle it. Tyler fully took in Josh's state as one sentence repeated in his mind. 'Please don't hurt me.' His baby boy, his sunshine, his darling, thought he was going to harm him. 

And that was the exact moment he knew he had gone way, way, way too far. He hadn't meant a single word he had said, all of it coming out of nowhere and in no way reflecting his true thoughts. Tyler weakly reached out his hand to Josh, and was horrified to see him flinch. This was exactly what he had sworn to himself he would never do. He promised himself he wouldn't hurt Josh, that he would protect him, and keep him safe. This was never his intention, and the fact it had come to this broke Tyler completely.  

"Josh, no, i would never, ever hurt you, no, baby, please. I'm so sorry, i don't want you to go, i never will. The things i said were really insensitive and so not true. Oh god I'm so sorry."

 Josh broke out in sobs on the bed and weakly reached out for the other man as he slipped back into his little space. Tyler immediately obliged and gathered the other boy into his arms, self hatred taking over every fiber of his being. Josh thought Tyler would hurt him, and the latter knew it was all his fault. They didn't know what to do, where to go from there. How could Tyler ever forgive himself? Did he even deserve to have forgiveness after the awful tings he had said and done? Did he even deserve to have Josh in his life at all after the way he had treated him that day? 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for eating disorders and self-harm mention.
> 
> Stay safe, stay alive. <3

Josh could pinpoint the exact moment he had decided to stop eating. He had been looking in the mirror intently, trying to pinpoint why Tyler was so mad at him. Then he took notice of his pudgy thighs and tummy, and everything fell into place. Oh, Josh had thought, maybe daddy just wants me to be prettier. And so, he decided, he was gonna make himself prettier. He wanted his daddy to be real proud of him, so he stopped eating. That was only yesterday, so it wasn't noticeable yet. He promised himself that he wouldn't let himself slip, even once. That he would start exercising, and maybe he would finally, finally be pretty enough if he worked really hard to lose weight. 

Tyler looked down, concerned as he watched the boy pick at his food. Josh loved food, and he loved Tyler's cooking. Tyler even purposely made his favourite food to at least partially make up for what he had done to the little. The fact he wasn't eating it did nothing but concern the taller, making him question what was really happening. 

"Are you gonna eat, Joshie? It's your favorite." 

Josh looked up innocently. This was his game, his plan. He was going to be perfect for Ty, and not even Tyler himself was going to stop it from happening. He was sure once he had lost enough Tyler would see how good of an idea it really was and he would thank Josh for doing what he wanted. Tyler just didn't know that yet.  

"I'm just not very hungry. Sowwy Tyty." 

Josh batted his eyelashes, trying to distract Tyler from what was really happening, distract him from the fact that there was no way he wasn't hungry after he hadn't eaten anything but an orange all day. This really seemed far too easy, or maybe Tyler was just far too oblivious. 

And so it carried on like this for weeks. And Tyler was too busy to notice. And when he did, he felt horrible. Especially when he found Josh passed out in the bathroom, blood seeping slowly from a crack in his head that was caused by him collapsing. Tyler cursed himself for not noticing how sickly pale he was, and how his ribs were poking out prominently from his abdomen. When he found Josh, all he felt was pure panic as he put the boy's head into his lap. How had this happened? Why had Josh done this?

"No, darling, no."

 Tyler sobbed out his words, tears running down his face in a cascade of pain. He knew this had to be his fault. When was the last time he had actually seen Josh eat something of substance? He had been too distracted with work recently to notice that something was happening, and he hated himself for that. 

o n e -h o u r -e a r l i e r

Josh was staring into the mirror, his shirt off as he pinched the skin on his sides. Tears escaped from his eyes. Even with his ribs showing it still wasn't enough. Why wasn't it enough? It made no sense. He had done everything right, yet he still looked disgusting. 

 "Still fat, still fat fat fat fat fat."

 He stepped onto the scale, and was heartbroken by the numbers staring back at him. '115'. All his hard work, and he still had ten more pounds to go. Josh cried. He cried, and he cried and he cried. It didn't seem like the tears would ever stop. He started feeling lightheaded and gripped the sink tightly. "T-Ty." He yelled out, weakened. He slid down the wall, and everything went black. 

Tyler had gotten home from work fifteen minutes afterwards, carrying groceries. He set them down gently and called out for Josh. When he got no response, his heart rate increased, but he quickly calmed himself down with the thought that Josh was probably just asleep. After checking the couches, and their bedroom, and the guest room, is when Tyler really started freaking out. After he remembered the cutting incident, his mind and heart went into overdrive as he ran to the bathroom. What he found there made his blood run cold. Josh was laying on the floor, his eyes shut and face pale. Time seemed to slow down, freezing Tyler in place. 

p r e s e n t- t i m e

Tyler picked Josh up, not helping but to notice how light he was. It felt like he was carrying a pillow. He set him gently on the couch and shook him in a vain effort to awaken him. Luckily, the motion did wake him up, and when Josh opened his eyes blearily, he immediately tackled Tyler with a hug using what little strength he had left. And Tyler felt his ribs, so, so clearly against his chest. Tyler hugged back for a moment, before pulling away and looking at Josh, who had tears rolling down his face. 

"Josh, we need to talk."

 I could physically see the anxiety coming across his face as he crawled off of me. His legs bounced up and down anxiously, a nervous tick I noticed happened whenever he had done something wrong. 

"W-what abou-about?"

 Tyler sighed deeply as he laced his fingers with Josh's. It hurt him that Josh was playing dumb, but if he had to explain, he could, and he would. 

"Why haven't you been eating, darling?"

 He said gently, watching panic go across the other's face. Josh just looked shocked for a moment, processing the fact that he had been found out, before he burst out in sobs, burying his head in Tyler's shoulder.

 "I th-thought the re-reason you ha-hate me i-is bec-cause I'm f-fat. S-so i sto-stopped eat-eating so i c-could be pre-pretty for y-you." 

Josh sobbed out the words, his voice cracking with nearly every syllable uttered by his chapped and pale lips. And Tyler's heart broke. It shattered into a million pieces as he tangled his fingers in Josh's bubblegum pink hair. 

"No, no, no, no, no baby. Never. I don't hate you darling. Never ever. I'm so sorry. You're so beautiful, baby boy. But you need to eat. Please. For me."

It was simple, right? It had to be. It needed to be simple. But it wasn't, purely because Josh didn't know if he could. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self hatred, self harm mention, and mention of eating disorders. 
> 
> Stay safe.  
> Stay alive
> 
> ||-//

It was finally Tyler's day off from work, and he breathed in a relieved breath when he woke up, a still sleeping Josh next to him. Josh was still eating barely anything, no matter how hard Tyler tried. He had also been in his little space more often than usual, leaving only a couple hours a day where he was big. This was something that simultaneously made Tyler happy, but also worried. Happy because he absolutely adored little Josh, but worried because the last time Josh had been regressed this much and this often was directly before the cutting incident. 

 

Josh was also way more timid now, and Tyler just knew it was because he had yelled at him. Tyler looked over at the boy sleeping next to him, and tears pricked at his eyes. Josh opened his mocha eyes slightly, looking at Tyler with a gentle smile on his face. Tyler smiled back easily, relishing in the way Josh giggled back, the sweet sound filling the room and making it seem lighter, in a way. This was exactly why Tyler loved Josh so much. He loved how soft he was, and how gentle every action he made was. Josh was just so utterly pure that it made Tyler ten times happier just being in his presence. With this thought in mind, Tyler leaned forward and captured Josh's lips with his own, the moment only being enhanced as he did this. 

 Josh whimpered in surprise for a second before kissing back eagerly, his hands tangling in Tyler's hair. They pulled away after a minute, and Josh buried his face in the crook of Tyler's neck. He nibbled gently on a sensitive spot and Tyler barely held back a soft moan. Moments like this only reminded him why he so adored the small boy. Even when he was biting at Tyler's neck, he was still caring in the movement.

They pulled away from each other after a moment, watching each other for a minute and taking in every feature of the other boy. Josh was absolutely lovely in the golden light of the morning, and it made Tyler's heart skip a beat whenever his delicate face formed a soft smile. 

"We should go get some breakfast, baby."

Josh frowned at these words, but tried to quickly hide it as he changed his face into a mask of indifference. Josh's obvious discomfort at the simple thought of eating brought Tyler down fast from the cloud nine he was on. 

"I'm ac-actually not hu-hungry."

 Josh lied. I frowned and cupped his cheek with my hand. The fact that he felt the need to blatantly lie to him after what had happened only days prior made Tyler angry, but also made him feel pity for the smaller boy that he held ever-so-carefully in his arms. 

 "Baby boy, you need to eat. You just need to gain ten pounds, and you're off the hook. It'll be okay. Please just eat." 

That morning, to Tyler's surprise, Josh ate all of his breakfast, and Tyler released a breath he had been holding for a long time. They were sitting on the couch together, Josh sitting on his lap, when Josh went into little space for the first time that day. It surprised Tyler that the younger had been able to hold off from being small for what seemed such a long amount of time, but it also relieved him. 

"Daddyyyyy."

 Tyler smiled down at him, feeling kinda happy that he had gone into little space. Despite his outburst weeks before, he really did enjoy taking care of Josh. He loved listening to the boy talk when he was little, eve if it was complete and utter nonsense half the time, and he loved how clingy Josh was when he was small. Josh when he was big was great, too, but something about little Josh simply made his heart melt. 

 "Yes, baby boy?"

 Tyler adjusted Josh on his lap when he spoke, loving the small giggle that he let out, exposing his teeth and crinkling his eyes. 

"I wan' one a my stuffies."

 He usually requested a stuffy soon after he went into little space, so this wasn't surprising to Tyler in the slightest. It was nothing short of expected, to be honest. Tyler had been with Josh long enough to learn his mannerisms both in and out of his headspace, so he usually carried a stuffy with him. 

 "An' i wan' a new pwetty skirt because all o' mine are grosssss and oldddd."

 The boy whined, wiggling in Tyler's lap. Tyler chuckled at the boy's behaviour before putting on a fake thinking face. 

 "I don't know, baby...do you think you've been a good enough boy for that?"

 Josh giggled once more, giving Tyler a quick kiss on the cheek. He knew his daddy was just joking, he always asked Josh if he had been good enough for whatever he wanted. Josh, being spoiled, knew the answer was always yes. Tyler, unless Josh had genuinely done something wrong, always got his baby boy what he wanted. 

 "Yessssss."

 Tyler smiled at the little's response. Of course he had been,he always was. 

 "Okay, then. I need to get groceries anyways, so what if I call Pete and Bren, so you, Ryan, and 'Trick can play together?"

 Josh's eyes brightened. He loved his friends dearly, so any opportunity he had to play with them was a win. All three of them had found their daddies at the same time, and met through them, so they were all close. 

 "And you'll get me a pwetty new skirt???"

 Tyler winked at him jokingly. Of course he would get Josh a new skirt if he wanted one, he was too much of a softie to actually not get him anything. He knew he would willingly drive to a different country if it meant Josh would be happy, because that's all he ever wanted. If Josh was happy, so was Tyler, that was just how it worked. 

 "I don't know, I might."

 Josh giggled in reply, and it made Tyler's heart skip a beat. Everything this boy did simply melted him, and both sides knew that Tyler was simply infatuated with Josh. The feeling was returned, though, Josh being completely and totally in love with his daddy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It only gets more dramatic and angsty from here. Buckle your seatbelts, you're in for a ride.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for homophobia and self-help mention.
> 
> Stay alive 
> 
> Stay safe
> 
> ||-//

After Brendon and Pete arrived at their apartment, I talked with them for a bit, wanting to catch up after the three of us hadn't all spoken to each other in so long. Pete, of course, was the first one to initiate a conversation.

"So, what's been up with you two?"

I shrugged, idly watching Josh play with Ryan and Patrick in the next room over. The only things that had been happening to me lately had to do with Josh, and nearly everything was smothered in angst and sadness. Brendon smiled widely, though, an excited energy radiating off of him.

"I've decided to start making music again. Hopefully this time it won't, ya know, fail."

His words made both me and Pete perk up, happy to hear that our friend was pursuing his passion for music again after so many years off of the music scene.

"Like that band you, Ryan, and Dallon started in highschool? What was it called again um....Panic at the Disco?"

Brendon rolled his eyes at Pete's words, chuckling slightly. 

"Dude, don't forget the exclamation point. It was more like Panic! At The Disco."

His voice got considerably louder when he said the Panic!, before quieting down to finish saying the name. It made me laugh, a snort coming out of my mouth and making me cover it hurriedly. That, of course, only lead to the other two boys totally cracking up, and soon Pete was basically wheezing with how hard he was laughing. 

"P-Pete don't have an a-asthma atta-attack-"

Brendon was laughing just as hard as he spoke, making me go into an even bigger fit of laughter. After a few minutes, we calmed down, and I looked down at my watch, surprised to see it had already been twenty one minutes since they had gotten there. 

"I think it's about time I left, guys. Don't give Josh too much sugar, and if anything happens you both have my number, so call me."

We quickly exchanged hugs before I headed out, arriving at the mall after what was a short ten minute drive. I walked inside quickly to escape the sharp bite of the wind blowing. The first store I went to was Hot Topic, knowing it had a lot of the clothes Josh liked. The first item that caught me eye was a fuzzy lavender hoodie, surprising me with how utterly Josh it was. 

I walked up to it and gently ran my fingers over the soft material, thinking about how it would fit Josh perfectly, and look absolutely incredible on him. I was interrupted by someone beside him speaking. 

 "Your girlfriend must be quite lucky, to have a man willing to buy their clothes." 

 I blushed deeply, thinking about Josh. He was definitely not my girlfriend. 

"Actually...um...it's for my...boyfriend."

 I stuttered through the sentence, picking up the hoodie. I saw the person's face change from charmed to disgusted the second the words left my mouth. 

"That's disgusting."

I rolled my eyes at her words but chose to ignore them. Trying to avoid confrontation, I quickly walked away and carried on, picking out everything I thought would suit my baby.

 I ended up picking out quite a decent amount of pastel items featured in the store. The lavender hoodie, a set of pastel glitter chokers, a pink circle skirt, a mint circle skirt, a lavender circle skirt, and a fuzzy lavender beret to match his hoodie. I walked up to the cash register, smiling at the purple-haired boy standing there. His name tag read 'Awsten', and I politely greeted him. 

"Hi, Awsten. I'd like to buy all these items."

He looked surprised for a moment, his eyes widening, and it made me realize he had two differently coloured eyes. One blue, one green. 

"How'd you know my na-"

It was then that he seemed to realize he was wearing a name tag and he quite literally facepalmed. 

"Oh. I must be the dumbest person on the planet, damn. Yeah, I'm Awsten, and I'll get these checked out for you now."

He began scanning my items, humming as he did so. The tune was unfamiliar, but pretty. 

"About what that lady said, she's honestly the disgusting one. Those pants did not suit her at all. Honestly, dude, love who you love. You like guys? Sick. You like girls? Sick. What is not sick is being a homophobic asshole. Good on you for not decking her, to be honest. Also, I'm sure your boy will look great in everything you got him."

I smiled widely at him, deeply appreciating his words. I pulled out a pen and pad of paper I kept with me (you never know when it'll come in handy) and wrote out my number.

"You seem like a cool dude, Awsten. Text me if you ever wanna hang out. My boyfriend's name is Josh, by the way."

I took my bags and headed out of the store, watching Awsten take my number and put it in his pocket. Who knows, maybe we could be friends. 

I stopped by a children's store I couldn't be bothered to remember the name of, and picked out a little duckling, a light blue whale, and a new light yellow pacifier.Lastly, I grabbed some food, and then headed to the car, stopping halfway through my walk to adjust the bags, before being startled by my phone ringing. I looked down to my phone and saw it was Brendon calling me. Assuming the worst, I picked it up quickly. 

 I continued walking to the car as we talked. "B? What's up?" He heard yelling in the background, and Ryan and Patrick both crying. "Tyler, quick, get home please, it's Josh, he-" and with that, I ran. If something so bad happened that they were literally sobbing, it had to be an emergency. I just prayed Josh hadn't cut again. 

I shoved my phone in my back pocket as my legs moved, trying my hardest not to drop any bags in the process and slow myself down. I threw all the bags in the back seat, quickly getting in and starting the car, not even bothering with a seatbelt. 

 I got home in under five minutes and, forgetting the bags in my car, ran for the front door of my apartment, fumbling with my keys before bursting in, only to stop dead in my tracks at what I saw.

This was so much worse than anything I had ever expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter only gets worse.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for suicide attempt, a suicide note, a panic attack, self harm mention and description, mention of r*pe, and an eating disorder mention

Tyler felt all the air in his lungs leave his body as he took in the scene in front of him. Josh laying on the ground, blood sleeping through the bandages on his wrist. A rope lying next to him, fashioned into a noose, and cut in half. A stool lying tipped over in the bathroom. That was all it took for Tyler to run towards Josh, cradling his head in his lap, when he noticed a piece of paper in his pocket. He swore he could feel his blood slow down in his veins, moving like slush through his bloodstream. In a situation like this, it could only logically be one thing. A suicide note. 

 

Dear Everybody,

I'm sorry. I really am. I can't take this anymore. Everything's building up and up and up. It's like there's a dam inside of me holding back everything I've tried so hard to ignore for years, and then it got a crack. And then another one. Then...it broke. This is it breaking. I've hidden so many things from so many people for so many years that everything has just piled up and now I'm absolutely drowning in it. 

There are so many of you in my life that I know care about me, even if I can't really see it. Pete, Brendon, Patrick, Ryan, Dallon, Otto, Geoff, Zac, Taylor, Spencer, Andy, Joe, Mikey, Debby, Ray, Gee, Frank, Melanie, Billie, Lana, Hayley (both of you), Halsey. 

Jordan, Zack, Ashley, Abby, Maddie, Jay, Kelly, Chris. Mom, dad.

Tyler. 

I'm so sorry to you the most, Ty. You're always there for me. You are. I know you didn't mean to. I know you didn't mean to yell at me. But i can't help but think you meant every word you said. And even if this sounds awful, it let me know that...maybe it was okay to do this. Maybe you wouldn't be as upset as I thought. Maybe this was alright.

If I survive this, which I'm hoping isn't the case, I'll leave. I'll leave like you asked me to and won't come back. I don't know if that will make this situation better or worse, but at this point I feel like I deserve every bad thing that will happen to me if I do leave.

You're the best daddy I've ever had, Tyty. You really are. You have no idea how much you've done for me, and how much I love you. You are my everything, you truly are. I hope when I'm gone you'll finally follow your dreams to be a musician and stop letting me hold you back. I'm sorry I never told you what happened senior year. I couldn't. I can't. I thought not eating would help with this self hatred that consumes me but it didn't. I'm so sorry. 

I feel so bad for doing this while 'Trick and Ryro are here, but what other choice do I have?

I love all of you. Please follow your dreams for me.

Love, 

Joshie.

And Tyler broke. He fucking broke, he really did. He sobbed into Josh's hair like there was no tomorrow, and cried even harder when he realized his baby boy was still alive. josh's breathing was severely labored, and he sounded halfway dead. Whether that was from emotional or physical pain, Tyler had no idea. All he knew was that Josh's eyes were glistening with tears as he opened them, but only halfway. Slow tears trailed down his red cheeks, the most heartbreaking look of remorse and regret coating his features. 

 

The other boys had left, comforting their crying littles. Tyler felt so incredibly guilty that they had had to see Josh in this state, but also knew Josh probably wouldn't even be alive if Pete and Brendon hadn't found him. 

Tyler felt his heart clench when he though about how much pain Josh must have been going through to do this to himself. This was his first suicide attempt since highschool, after he disappeared and then showed up again a year later, a total mess. It reminded Tyler of those dreadful months after Josh had showed back up when he was so totally depressed that he couldn't go a day without self-harming, and left the house once a week, completely ignoring school and any other responsibility he had. 

He never told anyone what had happened, so even Tyler didn't know. 

Josh tried his hardest to sit up, using his arms to push himself upwards, but wincing at the pain from his wrists and falling back down to the carpet again. Tyler caught him, of course, resting Josh's head on his lap and humming quietly. Both boys were still crying, still getting over the shock of the situation, but Josh had quieted with his tears considerably, staring blankly at nothing instead. He had been so determined not to fail, but he had anyways. That had to have been the worst part. 

He clung onto Tyler desperately, trying to ignore the way the slices in his wrist hurt, and how he felt hunger pains like no other radiating throughout his body. Everything just hurt, it hurt so bad. Every movement he made felt like a new torture, specially formulated to make him want to break down sobbing because of the pure agony he caused.

He couldn't complain, though. He had done this to himself, and he was fully aware of that. It was a long time before anyone spoke again, and Tyler was the one to break the earth shattering silence.

"Josh, I think you need to go to the hospital."

josh's eyes instantly widened in panic, and he shot up off of Tyler's lap, ignoring the shooting pains in his wrist and stomach in exchange for looking at the taller boy, anxiety swimming in his eyes. 

"N-no. Ty, no. Anything but the hospital, please. This won' happen again I swear I'm sorry I'm so so sorry please don't." 

Tyler looked shocked at the outburst, but tried to hide it from the other boy, knowing it would only make him panic more if he saw Tyler was having a negative reaction to his words. Instead, Tyler reached his arms out for the other boy, to which Josh responded by cautiously leaning forward, his face against Tyler's chest and his own still moving up and down rapidly.

"Okay. Okay, baby boy. No hospital. It's okay. It's okay."

Josh didn't tell Tyler that the reason he was so terrified of hospitals was because the last time he was in one it was because he had just been raped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mention of self harm, disordered eating, suicide attempt and note mention, suicidal thoughts and actions

They went to bed that night with a melancholy aura shrouding the two of them, when Tyler was woken in the middle of the night by glass shattering. All it took was for Tyler to see Josh's spot empty besides him for his heart to leap out of his chest. His first thought was that Josh had attempted again, all rationale leaving him when he remember the (quite frankly traumatic) event that had happened before they went to bed. 

What he saw when he went downstairs made him release a deep breath. On the floor laid a shattered glass, Josh kneeling next to it, flustered, crystal tears forming in his tired eyes.

 "I'll clean it up, daddy, I will." 

He instantly went into caregiver mode as the little reached forward and started picking up glass, reaching forward to try and stop him. 

Josh dropped it hurriedly though, ruby red blood dripping from his palms and onto the floor, another mess of Josh's blood. He stared at in in shock for a minute before bursting out in sobs, looking up at Tyler and sniffling. Tyler grabbed the first aid kit they kept under the sink, taking out the antibiotic ointment and putting is on the cuts, making sure there was no excess glass trapped in the wounds. After he did that, he put band-aids on the cuts, kissing them afterwards. Josh was sniffling and making grabby hands towards his daddy as he stood up, prompting him to pick up the little and carry him up to their room where they laid down again, Tyler the big spoon like always. 

 

~j o s h~  
That morning, I woke up out of my little space, putting on a dark blue sweater and black ripped jeans. Suicidal thoughts caved their way through my mind, and i tried everything to get myself to regress. But it didn't work. I had been little so often lately that this surprised and concerned me. What if I was never able to regress again? It was my main coping mechanism, so having it taken away would be disastrous. 

Nothing worked, not a stuffie, not my paci, nothing. 

"Tyler."

Tears welled up in my eyes as I called out for the brunette, rolling down my cheeks in thick drops. I had cried so much lately it was genuinely shocking I hadn't run out of tears by now. Tyler instantly rushed into the room, looking at me in concern. 

"Are you okay, Josh?" 

My body shook violently, signifying that I was not okay. Definitely not okay, and that's a promise. 

"I'm not safe Ty. I'm not. I-I can't deal with this."

My voice cracked halfway through, and I saw a film of tears go over Tyler's eyes. He instantly came over and held me, my head against his chest, tears streaming down my face, making it wet, and making me look absolutely weak. I absentmindedly scraped my nails across my wrist, opening up scabs and feeling small droplets of blood begin to form in their place. I felt Tyler's hands wrap around my wrists, stopping the action immediately. It slightly irritated me. Couldn't he see I needed to? One of my only other coping skills wasn't working, so now he had to take away that one, too? It just didn't seem fair to my depression-ridden mind. 

"Don't do that, baby. It's okay."

 Tyler picked me up and carried me into the living room, sitting me on his lap on the couch. When he stood up to leave, I grasped at his sleeve, wanting, no, needing him to stay with me. I didn't think I could stand it if he left me. 

"I'll be right back, darling. It's okay. Five minutes, I promise."

I didn't say anything back and let him go. Even though he had sworn it would only be five minutes, my anxious mind continuously tried to trick me into thinking that he had left forever.

'Why would he want anything to do with you?'

'He left'

'Might as well get used to being alone'

My thoughts were interrupted by Tyler coming back into the room, holding a plate that instantly made my stomach do flips. He had to be joking, right? He expected me to eat, after everything that happened. I was incredibly tempted to break down right then and there, shatter into a million pieces on the floor and never pick myself up again. He set the sandwich down on the coffee table in front of me, and while the fact that it was only a half of one calmed me, I still didn't think I could manage eating even that much. 

I stared at it blankly, not daring to take a single bite. The obsessive thoughts about eating had been coming back recently, and with my horrible mental state today, it was even worse than it would have been otherwise. It was times like this where I wished I could regress. Little me didn't give a fuck, and would eat whatever as long as Tyler was the one feeding it to me, while big me couldn't stop obsessing over calories and pounds and weight. 

Everything was far too hard today, weighing me down, making me want to curl up into a ball under the covers and cry until my tears ran dry. The mental anguish I felt was so much worse than normal, and god dammit if I didn't regret the fact that I hadn't cut deeper and succeeded in my attempt yesterday.  

"Take it away." 

I whispered the words, practically glaring at the plate in front of me. Tyler sighed, looking to the ground and rubbing his face before speaking again. I felt so guilty for making him feel this way, so, so guilty. I wanted him to be happy, but I seemed to be the one thing fucking that up. 

 "You need to eat, lovely. Come on Josh, please." 

I shook my head defiantly. I wasn't making this situation easier for anyone, but I couldn't eat it. I couldn't. It would just ruin everything I had worked so hard for over the months.  

"I can't, I can't, Ty, I really, really can't." 

My voice was desperate when I spoke, and all I wanted to do was find a razor and dig it as deep into my wrist as I could. I looked at the bathroom longingly. I covered my face with my hands, my body shaking as though I was freezing, which I was, despite the warm room. 

"I'm tired." 

I heard Tyler sigh again.

"So am I..."

The remorseful tone in his voice just made me feel one hundred times worse.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for MENTIONS of a suicide attempt and for eating disorders. stay safe, guys

I walked into the apartment, sighing gently when I saw Josh and Ryan napping on the couch, Brendon watching TV. It was some competitive cooking show, and currently the girl on screen was freaking out about a burned dish. 

"Hey, B."

 I spoke softly, closing the door behind me and hanging up my coat.  He didn't notice me for a second, watching the screen and murmuring disdainfully under his breath as the chefs on screen rushed about. Eventually, he lifted his head up, greeting me with a small wave. 

"Hey, Ty. The boys were good today. Well...there was an incident with some fruit snacks, but it's all settled now." 

I smiled, glad to hear Josh had had a good day after so many bad ones. It also lifted a weight off of my shoulders, though, relieving some of the stress I felt whenever I left him with someone else, scared there would be a repeat of his suicide attempt.  

"That's good. Did J regress?"

I didn't know what I wanted the answer to be, to be honest. No matter what it was, a bad interpretation could come from it, but also a good one. It was always a toss up, with so many different factors contributing to the regression. 

 "He was regressed all day. Why?" 

I sighed, this time it feeling heavy. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? Did this mean he just didn't feel safe enough to regress around me? Or was I just thinking too deeply about this?

"Let's talk outside."

 We walked out onto the balcony, sitting in two chairs that were there. A small breeze fluttered through the open space as the two men looked out onto the city, the bustling of life seeming subdued for some reason. Maybe it was simply the heaviness of the air around them warping their perception of the rest of the world. 

 "Yesterday was horrible. Josh couldn't regress and he refused to eat. He only ate three grapes, then asked me to google how many calories it was. Three grapes, Bren." 

Brendon sighed sorrowfully as I looked to the ground, frustrated and slightly emotional. There was no question this time as to who the frustration was directed towards; it was myself. I had one main priority, and that was keeping Josh safe and happy. If I couldn't do even that, my meaning seemed to just shatter and drift off with the wind. 

 "I don't know what to do."

 B looked at me, a sad look in his eyes. But an experienced one.  

"Just be there for him. Josh has been my best friend forever. This has happened before, years ago, and we got through it. It'll be insanely hard, but he needs you now more than ever, Ty. If you left him right now...he wouldn't make it. I hate saying that, I really do, but he wouldn't be able to withstand that. Just try and be there for him. He has to figure this out on his own, well, at least partially on his own."

 I then heard a small voice speaking from the doorway. 

"D-daddy?"

 I looked over, smiling softly when I saw Josh. I walked over and kissed him. He flushed a dark red, looking over to Brendon and smiling at the taller man.  

"Hi, kitten. Me and B were just talking but we're finished now."

My voice was gentle as I gazed adoringly at his smile. 

"Okay. I'm hungwy."

 He pouted when he spoke, and my heart melted at the innocent sight. The fact he was willing to eat also contributed to this, though, and I was nearly overwhelmed with how happy his words made me. This seemed to be a common situation, he did anything, and I was putty in his hands. 

 "Let's get you some food then, darling."

 I took his hand and we walked inside, smiling when B walked over and picked up Ryan, before mouthing that he was leaving, as to avoid waking the still sleeping boy in his arms. We both waved and Brendon left, struggling to open the door with his one free arm, but still managing. I let go of Josh's hand as we entered the kitchen, before making the little (and myself) some french fries. We sat down at the table to eat. My heart nearly imploded with delight as he dug in happily, for once not seeming to count every calorie that met his mouth. 

"I love you, babyboy."

 I spoke gingerly, watching lovingly as he ate, getting ketchup all around his mouth, but still smiling back at me, not as self-conscious as big him was. 

 "I lo'e you too, daddy."

 He finished eating and I cleaned up. We walked into the living room together and sat on the couch. J sat in my lap, my arms around his waist and his around my neck as I kissed his forehead softly. 

 "Can we watch Nemo, Tyty?" 

"Of course, baby. I'll put it in."

 I started the movie, before sitting with Josh again, putting him back into his previous position on my lap. I kissed him anywhere my lips could reach. His neck, his arms, his head, his cheeks. He giggled, the sound making me smile as I nibbled gently on the side of his neck, watching his eyelashes flutter across rose petal cheeks gracefully. I took pride in knowing that he let me touch him like this, let me mark him with my lips and ever-so-careful teeth. 

 "I love you." 

I whispered the words against his skin, punctuating each word with a kiss. The soft sigh that left his lips before they formed into a smile was more than enough of a reward in my eyes, but he kissed me on the nose anyways, his eyes sparkling. 

"I lo'e you mostestestest."

 He giggled cutely at his own words, making me grin. He seemed otherworldly at times, and maybe that made me deify him too much, putting him on a far too high up pedestal. We fell asleep on the couch, tangled together, the movie playing in the background quietly as they drifted off, both boys grateful that neither of them woke the other up during the night with screams and sobs. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW FOR MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND DEATH, SELF HATRED
> 
> Stay safe, guys. Stay alive.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Joseph. There's just nothing more we can do, he lost too much blood. The wounds were too deep for us to fix. I think it's time you start...making arrangements."

A solemn tone coated the doctors voice, obvious guilt shining in his eyes as he took in Tyler disheveled form. Tears were in his eyes, a sob building in his throat as he felt Josh's hand getting colder, and colder, and colder. They were like ice. Hauntingly cold, not alive. Something was missing, and it didn't take Tyler long to realize it was his boyfriend's pulse, and his entire world shattered in that moment. Why couldn't he have found Josh sooner? Why did this have to happen to such a great person?

 "Time of death, 2:14. Official ruling, suicide." 

Tyler collapsed, sob shaking him violently. How was he supposed to deal with this, live life normally after his world was tilted off its axis? He was gone. Josh was gone. Gone, never coming back. Josh's eyes were lifeless, dull, his hands turning blue at the fingertips as they rolled him out of the room. This couldn't be real, it couldn't be real, it couldn't be re-

Tyler shot awake, breathing rapidly, real tears running down his cheeks, the nightmare haunting him. He felt Josh waking beside him, and dried his tears hurriedly. Even if he was breaking, fear overwhelming him in the aftermath of that terrible dream, Josh didn't have to know that. 

 "Ty, what's wrong?" 

Josh's small voice rang out beside him, and he cursed the tears still flowing out of his eyes. He knew that the smaller boy wouldn't be able to handle seeing him like this, not when he was supposed to be the strong one. 

 "No-nothing, baby. Just a bad dream." 

He spoke weakly, trying desperately to stop the salty drops cascading down his cheeks. It was a fruitless task, as they just kept coming, more welling up in his tired eyes every time the previous ones fell to the bedsheets. 

Josh wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling into his chest and pushing himself into Tyler's lap. Tyler's arms instantly went around the small boy, holding onto him desperately, telling himself over and over again that Josh was alive. He was alive. He was still breathing and he was right in Tyler's arms and none of it was real. 

"It's okay to cry. It's okay."

 Tyler's sob sped up, becoming louder as he held onto the boy in his arms desperately. He could feel his warmth, there was no deathly cold like in the nightmare, do lifeless eyes. Just Josh. Living, breathing, Josh. 

"I'm s-sorry, Josh. I'm t-trying to do my be-best for you, but it's n-n-not enou-enough."

 He felt Josh start to cry to, and instantly felt guilt like no other. This was all his fault. It was always his fault. 

"It is. It is enough. It's me doing bad, Ty, not you. Never you. Please don't. You're doing everything right."

 Josh buried his head into the crook of his neck, and Tyler felt wetness spreading across the skin there. josh hiccuped every once in a while, small sniffles coming out of him as well as he cried.

"I'm s-sorry, Tyler."

 They held each other as early morning light seeped slowly through the pale curtains in the room. It bathed the walls in a golden glow, shining on Josh's pale skin. Both parties in the room felt guilty for things that were out of their control, neither willing to blame the other.

 "Don't apologize, babyboy. You're wonderful. You're amazing, you're beautiful. You're trying, lovely. Sometimes that's the most you can do." 

Tyler's sobs had stopped about ten minutes earlier, while Josh's continued, but they slowed considerably. Tear tracked painted both of their faces, creating some sort of modern  renaissance painting as they held each other. 

Eventually, the tears stopped completely, and Tyler felt three taps on his arm, and sighed softly, holding the boy tighter. He felt so inadequate, not enough to take care of little Josh, but he knew he had to try despite that. Trying to ignore what had happened earlier, he spoke softly to the little. 

"You want breakfast, babyboy?"

 A soft nod.

 "Mhm."

 Tyler walked to the kitchen, carrying Josh.

 "Whaddya think? Pancakes or waffles." 

Josh lifted his head and thought for a moment, his eyes brightening. 

"Waffles!"

 Tyler walked to the next room over and sat him down on the couch, before heading back to cook. Eventually, he finished, and sighed as he set the table. It was 11:30 when they finished eating finally, and Tyler needed to head for work. Asking Pete to take care of Josh after the experience he had had last time seemed risky, but Tyler had to anyways, with  everyone else being busy. 

"Pete's coming over today, babyboy. He said he's bringing 'Trick too cause he doesn't have any classes today."

 Josh nodded absentmindedly, watching the TV. 

"Okay, daddy. Have a good day at work."

 Tyler leaned down and kissed the smaller boy gently, before he heard a knock at the door. He opened it, and smiled at who he saw there. 

"Hey, Pete." 

Pete smiled from he hall. 

"Hey Ty. Josh in the living room?" 

Tyler nodded, letting the two boys in.

 "Hi, 'Trick." 

"Hey, Ty. Can I go play with Joshie, daddy?"

 "Of course, have fun."

 Patrick ran into the living room, and Tyler smiled as he heard Josh squeal in delight. 

"See ya later, Pete. Call me if anything goes wrong." 

Pete nodded, hugging Tyler quickly.

"Will do, my dude. Don't overwork yourself today. If you do i will punch you directly in the face, and then have Josh do it too." 

They both laughed. 

"We both know he wouldn't. Anyways, I'll try not to. Bye, Peter." 

Pete rolled his eyes.

 "Bye, Mr. Joseph." 

Tyler left, mentally preparing himself for the day ahead


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short lil fliff chapter. The next one is also fluff, but after that it gets back to angst, promise. Stay safe, stay alive.

Tyler was working silently at his desk when his phone buzzed. He smiled gently when he saw who it was from, rolling his eyes at the content of the text.

Babyboy: dadddyyyyy come home i misssss youuuuuu :( <3

He sighed lightly, a frown forming on his face at the thought of his babyboy being sad because of him. He brushed off the urge to drop everything he was doing and race home, knowing he had far too much work to catch up on already. But then again, this always happened. Jish would get lonely being at home while Tyler was working, and would do everything in his power to be with the other man. 

Tyty: I'll be home soon, kitten. Just a few more hours. Are you having fun with 'Trick?

Babyboy: yah m was. but i wanna see u nowww. m lonely daddy. trick fell asleep. :(

Tyler thought for a moment, coming up with an idea, he could just have Josh come to his office, that way the little wouldn't be lonely anymore, but Tyler could also get some work done. Surely Hayley would be fine with it? She loved Josh, always wanted to see him whenever Tyler had him up to the building.

Tyler: Hey Hayles can Josh come in for a few hours today? He's getting antsy and won't stop texting me.

Hayley: Of course, Ty. Do you need anything to help with him?

Tyler: No. But I'm sure he'd love to see you. 

Hayley: I'll see if I can come down. HQs been running me up the wall with the Ryan case. Who knew a necklace could cause so much trouble. Ugh. This is why I'm single. 

Tyler: Well, to be fair, it was a $3,000 necklace, I'd sue too. Anyways, love ya, Hayles. See you soon.

Hayley: Love ya too, Ty. Also, I'm bringing juice and crackers for him anyways. I bet you don't have any snacks in your office.

He looked over to the rather large amount of snacks he did indeed keep in his office, but ends dup just shrugging and texting back an 'Okay'.

Tyler did a little happy dance, punctuating it with a tiny smug smile. God, he was so smart. Not like he was a narcissist, but sometimes he got the strangest little bursts of self-confidence.

Tyty: How would you like to hang out with me in my office for a few hours? I can have Pete bring you up. Hayley said it's fine. Aaannnddd, I might have a cookie or two for you if you're good. Plus, Hayley is bringing juice and crackers. 

Babyboy: yahh!!! ill see u soon daddy!!!

Tyty: See you soon, my little prince.


End file.
